Everybody Needs a Rock

Everybody Needs a Rock by Byrd Baylor (Scribner, 1974)

A touching Jewish custom is to put a rock on top of the headstone when visiting a grave. It is a sign of respect and shows the survivors that someone has visited the grave. A story of how that custom started goes like this:

Many years ago, Jews in a certain community were being accused of terrible crimes. The Jews were, of course, innocent. One Shabbat, the non-Jewish rulers who were part of the accusations threatened to kill all the Jews unless someone confessed. One old man knew that the real criminal was a non-Jew but he did not want to say so for fear of being accused of another crime. Instead, he asked G-d’s forgiveness and while it was still Shabbat wrote the real criminal’s name on a piece of paper and set the paper where the authorities could see it. They did and investigated that same day, found it was true, and spared the Jews.

The old man was grateful but felt he had committed a grave sin for having written on Shabbat even though he did it to save a life as is permitted. He spoke to the rabbi and insisted that he receive the biblical punishment for violating Shabbat and be stoned to death. The rabbi refused, saying that the old man had performed a great mitzvah. Instead, the rabbi said that after the old man died all the Jews would honor him by placing a stone on top of his headstone.

I wish I could remember the source for this story. It came from a book I read several years ago and forgot to write it down. Another reason comes from the Zohar which talks about the stone helping to keep the soul on earth a little longer.

Here is a list of Jewish funeral requests (copyright by Rabbi Morris Allen of Congregation Beth Jacob, St. Paul, MN)

Jewish Funeral Requests--K’vod Ha-Met: Dignity in Death

I want to be buried in accordance with traditional Jewish burial laws. I want to maintain our tradition’s commitment to modesty and equality in life as in death. Therefore when the time comes, I want a Jewish funeral which includes the following:

1. I want to be buried in a simple wooden casket so that my body may fully return to the earth. The only metal in my casket will be hinges or nails.

2. If a vault is required by the cemetery, I want a grave liner with openings on the bottom.

3. I want to have ritual washing of my body by the chevra kadisha (holy burial society).

4. I want to be buried in tachrichim, shrouds, and wearing a tallit.

5. There should be no viewing of my body.

6. Please make donations to ___________________________in lieu of flowers.

7. I want my coffin lowered. My family and friends may observe this mitzvah and put dirt on my coffin before leaving the cemetery.

8. I would like my family to sit shiva for me.

9. I want my organs donated to help perpetuate life. Please consult my rabbi for further information.

Leon Wieseltier has written a deeply personal account of a year of saying Kaddish for his father. Interwoven in his book Kaddish (Knopf, 1998) is a thorough researching of the history of the kaddish. Some quotations that I found especially meaningful follow:

"The kaddish is a response to the evil inclination that we will not be swayed on account of our loss (as Jews, we use the kaddish to keep from using our loss to escape into behavior that destroys the world);”

"Socialbility poses a threat to spirituality. We pray in a minyan so that we do not escape from reality.

"The function of the Mourner’s Kaddish is the redemption of the dead.”

"The kaddish saves us from the task of improvising (or improving) the rituals of bereavement.”

"The pains of the soul are felt more intensely than the pains of the body.”

"The urgent question is whether the soul survives the life of the body (not whether it survives the death of the body).”

“Children who giggle and yawn in shul are showing early signs of critical intelligence.”

"The world is sustained in existence by the utterance of ‘May G-d’s great Name be blessed.’ -- Talmud

"Phylacteries do not bind, They gird.”

"We are few and owing to the love with which G-d loves us, each one of us is, for G-d, an entire legion. G-d does not have many replacements for us. G-d’s greatness is lessened when one of us is gone. The kaddish prays for the praising of G-d so that G-d may be Magnified and Sanctified so that G-d’s Name will be magnified in its power so that there will be no loss of strength and sanctified so that we need not fear for ourselves.”

"Shul is sometimes Judaism’s last bastion against religion.”

"It is the dead who are responsible for the kaddish for the dead.”

"The kaddish is not a prayer for the dead. It is an achievement of the dead."